Funny Jokes

-My wife found out about my infidelity...

-Don't worry! She is a Strong woman!

-That's what I'm afraid of......

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A guy was setting up his new Facebook account. For his password, a guy chose "penis". He received an error message: "your password is too short".

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-You've lost so much weight!
-I feel terrible, my husband is having an affair!!!
-Why don't you get a divorce?
-I can't! I need to lose another 10 pounds!

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-Doctor, my wife lost her voice, what should I do?
-Try to come home at 3:00 A.M....

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-You're so tense, you need to relax!
When I need to relax, I usually take my wife out to a nice restaurant.
-Great idea, doctor! Where does your wife live?


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-Can you make love to me on the floor?
-Sure, but why?
-I just want to feel something hard for a change!

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The first Lie Detector was made from man's rib.
It's design and effectiveness is still the same!

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-For 20 years me and my wife were truly happy...
-What happened later?
-We've met each other!

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It's impossible to find a good husband.
Men are like a public restroom- either occupied, clogged,
or full of s@@t.

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Wife is like a calculator:
Adds problems, subtracts time,
Multiplies debts and divides property

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-Sweetheart, if you kiss me one more time,
I'll be yours forever!
-Oh, thanks, for the WARNING!

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-Why are you drinking so much, what is the problem?
-I had a fight with my wife,
and she said, she will not speak to me for a whole month!
-Well, I see....sorry to hear that!
-Today is the last day!!!

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-Young woman, how much do you weight?
-It's a Secret!!!
-O.K. But, can you just tell me first three numbers?

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-Doctor, I am so scared!
-Don't worry, I'll give you a shot, you won't feel a thing!
-But, doctor, I am allergic....
-Then, you must take this little blue pill.
-What is it?
-It's Viagra.
-Will it numb the pain?
-Oh, No! But you'll have something to hold on to
while I pull your tooth out!

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Two women brought the young men to King Solomon.
-He will marry my daughter! - Said the woman.
-No, no, no! He will marry my daughter!
King Solomon sought for a second, and then told the women
to cut young man into two parts and divide between them.
-oh, Wisest of the Kings, I agree with your decision,
Said the first woman.
-But we'll kill an innocent person! - replied the second one.
-This young man will marry first woman's daughter!
Replied King Solomon.
-She already acts like a real Mother-in-Law!

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-John, tomorrow is our Anniversary. I want a gift, that can
go from 0 to 200 in a few seconds!
And it better be in our driveway tomorrow,
or I'm getting a divorce!-
Next morning Sara looks out the window
and, to her surprise, she sees a huge box in the driveway.
She runs out, open the box and....
There's a brand new bathroom scale inside!!!

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My father is always saying -

It's much more pleasant to Give than to Receive!

-Is he a Priest?-

-Oh, no! He is a Boxer....

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-I am not a greedy person!-

-I even wish my worst enemy to have three cars by their house:

Police, Ambulance and a Fire Truck...

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-Do you love your wife?-

-Yes, I do, doctor!-
-Are you cheating on your wife?-

-Yes, I do, doctor.-

-You're having an affair! It means - you don't love her!!!-

-Oh, you see, I do love my wife!

-I only cheat on her once a month-

-And only with her Best Friends!!!-

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Wife: -Great! My husband is home!-

Husband: -Think, before saying something.-

-I almost jumped out the window!-

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-When do you make love to your wife?-

-Usually, when I come home from work. And you?-

-At 5:30 in the morning.-

-Why so early???-

-I want to be the first....-

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Three men are arguing, whose profession is the oldest.

Builder: -Our job is the oldest. We even built Egyptian Pyramids!-

Gardener: -No, it's definitely, ours!

Who do you think grew the Garden of Eden?-

Electrician: -Stop arguing!

When the God said: "Let there be light!",

we were getting the wires ready!-

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KIM PROTASOV DIET - THE HEALTHY WAY TO LOSE WEIGHT

The beauty of this diet is that you don't feel hungry and consume healthy foods.
The Protasov diet lasts for 5 weeks. Do not use any processed foods (hot dogs, etc). Do not use avocado, soy products, fruit juice, cooked veggies, soups, sugar.
The calorie intake should be about 1200-1500.

First Week:
You can eat raw vegetables, cooked egg, plain low-fat yogurt, low-fat cottage cheese. Yes, you can eat the vegetables and the yogurt anytime and as much as you like. Be creative: make a salad with your favorite raw veggies and toss the shredded egg on top. You can also eat 3 green apples. How about my favorite - coffee? Yes, you can drink coffee or tea, but without the sugar!!! That's the hard part - I love mine light & sweet, but it's only for 5 weeks... Drink plenty of water and do take the vitamins every day.

Second Week:
The same as the first week.

Third, Fourth & Fifths Weeks:
We make few changes to the first two weeks. You still eat the raw veggies, but now you can add a small piece of meat, chicken or fish! Another thing- consume less cottage cheese & yogurt.

Now is the time to gradually get out of the diet. Please, try not to eat bread, rice and macaroni for at least one or two months.

Sixth Week:
Same as Fifth, but add couple of tablespoons of hot cereal and use less milk products.

Seventh Week:
You can eat another fruit(except the bananas or similar sweet fruits) instead of green apple.

Eighth Week:
You can add the dried fruit to your diet.

Ninth Week:
Add cooked veggies to your diet and change the cottage cheese, or yogurt for a piece of chicken, fish, or meat.

Tenth Week:
You can eat a soup, and gradually start eating all your regular food.

Losing weight the Easy Way!

Finally, I found the easy way to get rid of those extra pounds! Well, the truth is - for things to change, you have to change. To lose weight you have to consume less calories and be more active. There is no magic formula. I was searching for an easy way to cope with the problem and finally (drum roll, please!!!) I found it. The only thing I will never change is a cup of coffee in the morning. Yes, just one cup now. I used to drink 5 - 7 cups. So, here is my Easy - Lazy Weight Loss Plan!

Breakfast:

Whole Wheat Toast or 4 Crackers with Cheese and a Cup of Coffee (yes, with milk and sugar!)

Lunch:

Fresh Veggie Salad (lettuce, tomato, carrot, dill, mushroom, avocado) and a piece of chicken.

Few hours after lunch you can eat a cup of low-fat yogurt or kefir.

Dinner:

This is the magic: Watermelon- as much as you want! This is all you can eat for dinner!
Don't worry- it really fills you up!


To add more excitement, after each meal, I jump 100 times. As I said, the easy and lazy way!

So far, I am very pleased with results. I started the diet on Monday and so far lost 5 1/2 pounds in 3 days!